Communication: I Love It More Than I Love the Guitar

Over the past two weeks, I have simultaneously had the time of my life and been put through the ringer. I've had some experiences that I don't understand, while I've had other experiences that were surprisingly pleasant. Tonight was one such experience, wherein I participated in a dinner group with a few people in my ward--the mid-singles ward that I'm just getting used to after about a year. While I didn't expect it to go horribly, it was in fact at a vegan restaurant, while I have also been skeptical as to whether most people in the CRW--particularly the girls--take me seriously. But it went well, and the food was pretty good. One thing we did to get to know each other better was go around the table telling what we're passionate about. When it came to be my turn, I found myself sharing something that I hadn't realized before, but which has probably been my subconscious passion for years: communication.

Why? Why is it such a big deal to me? Yes I'm a writer, and effective communication is my job, but I've also realized that some of my most difficult experiences in life have been a result of bad communication. For example, tonight I tried calling a girl with whom I previously had a relationship, while we had currently been trying to rectify things. But the fact is that I broke up with her the first time because or her unwillingness to communicate, and things didn't change the second time around. And thus tonight's phone call. Unsurprisingly, she didn't answer, so I left a message saying that I was tired of being treated this way. I said the ball was in her court and that if she wanted to talk about it she should call me; otherwise I was just going to forget about it.

I can give you more examples of me being frustrated by bad communication, such as most of the Facebook threads leading up to the election. Actually, nearly all of my remaining examples come from heated Facebook debates where at least one side is so adamant in its position that they will even use fallacious and sometimes unethical strategies to silence the other side. But that's not how you make things work. That's not how you solve life's problems.

I'll tell you how to solve life's problems: Talk. It's not that hard. Don't yell, don't complain, don't point fingers, and don't shut down when you feel unsure about how to respond when things aren't going your way. The women really do have it right in this respect, which I realize is probably why most of my friends are female. Talking it out is often ridiculed as a waster of time that could be spent solving the world's problems with action. But action only works if people can agree on what that action should be. And you can't agree on anything unless you talk.

I know this is small in comparison to the world's problems, but I have a great example of what good communication can do. I have a really good friend who likes to talk things out--so much so that when I first knew her, I would have told you that she was the most socially anxious person I had ever met. It wasn't until recently that I realized the only difference between her and most other people we knew was her willingness to express herself--her fears and desires, her values, even her paranoia.

Over time, this friend's consistent and uncommon openness has charmed itself into my life and the lives of many others, simply because her honesty about how she views the world on a regular basis only makes the rest of us feel normal for feeling the way we do. She's not mean about it, and she's not overbearing. She just talks. And because she's willing to communicate, her own anxiety has improved drastically, as she has seen how favorably people respond to her. It has been a great example to me. It's probably why I finally stood up for myself tonight without getting nasty. Maybe it will help my ex in her future relationships, or maybe it will help me approach conflict in my future relationships with more confidence and self-respect.

I don't know how to end this, and you may be hoping that I'll connect it to bigger problems like politics or the world's moral decay. I really could, but I don't want to open another can of worms. I will say that most of us have so much bottled up inside that's making us angry because we don't feel like we can express it in a manner that the rest of the world will find acceptable. That is what is killing us. But if we can tune out the rage-filled reactions of those whose opinions really don't matter in the grand scheme of things--or at least accept that most of them are just as scared, disillusioned, and wishful for a better world as we are--then I think we will find a host of people who sincerely want to understand us better as well as be understood better. The only way to find out is to talk.

Election 2012: Whoever Wins, People Are Going to Die

Last night was the first presidential debate between our simultaneously beloved and hated engineer of Obamacare and Ted Kennedy's former unsuccessful opponent in the 1994 Massachusetts senatorial election. According to most polls taken by such credible newscasts as CNN and MSNBC, Governor Romney was the victor, demonstrating an aggressive, take-no-moderation-from-the-moderator approach while our incumbent President seemed to have other things on his mind. Some of us thought it was his wedding anniversary and the uncomfortable couch and/or doghouse that certainly awaited him, but that very same hero who had conceptualized the Internet, thus dragging us out of the Dark Ages that we call the early '90s, generously set us straight, reasoning that Colorado's altitude has been known to impede even a world leader's ability to think straight when answering pre-planned questions that he and his campaign had to approve in advance.

Let me just acknowledge my preference for Mitt Romney for two primary reasons: I like having a strong military and I dislike Obamacare because I'm pretty sure Obama just looked at the European version and thought it was a good idea at the time, not realizing that the system wasn't built in a day--or four years.

But let's be honest. No matter who gets elected this November, life will go on. I must admit that I was an early boarder on the Apocalypse train on November 5 of 2008. I seriously thought our country was doomed and found minor solace in knowing that God's Plan requires things to get worse before they get better. I definitely have my political preferences, but after watching the debate last night and observing each candidate's struggle to be heard in the first of many chances to be heard, I am no longer worried. And here's why:

As a former Institute teacher of mine observed this morning on Facebook, "...both candidates are sincere individuals who want to help this country and its citizens." I don't disagree with that. I believe Romney and Obama both want to make this country better and restore the economy to the boom it enjoyed ten years ago (you know, back when we were only a couple trillion dollars in debt), not to mention the tense yet sincere respect and fear we once elicited from our Cold War adversaries after beating them to the Moon.

The only real difference is how they plan to do it and what their priorities are. One man believes that a world superpower is founded primarily upon a fierce military, while the other seems to think that while it would be nice to be a superpower, it's more important to make nice with leaders that have a history of hating our Godless culture, leaving more money to fund education reform. One man thinks that the way to fix the economy is to remain competitive and reduce taxes as well as Government regulation, while the other thinks the best way is to increase taxes on the wealthy and offer even more regulation and assistance to those who have been hit hard by this recession. One man means to keep healthcare privatized and save Social Security by reforming Medicare and the way in which it is distributed, while the other wants to make healthcare available to everyone regardless of their ability to pay.

Newsflash: Those are all great ideas! The freest, most secure nation has a strong military, is deeply rooted in education and culture, keeps good relations with foreign powers whether those powers hate them or not, encourages its citizens to be self-sufficient, contributing members of society, and takes good care of its citizens by not overcharging them for the right to live without hunger and disease. When Christ comes, that's probably how He'll run things.

The problem is that we are not that nation. I don't know that we ever were. I do know that for years we have been a beacon of light in comparison to the rest of the planet, demonstrating that through hard work and the drive to succeed, man can achieve his dream--even if that dream is as simple as living comfortably in a one-bedroom apartment that sees healthy portions of food on the table three times a day. That is really all we can ask for anymore. We can't have it all, and neither candidate is going to give it all. These days the lot of us are angry because we have deluded ourselves into thinking that we are entitled to everything that would protect us from pain and misery, and when that protection doesn't come, we point the finger at our President, forgetting that our system is set up in such a way that no one person will ever have the power to give to or take away from us what we believe we inherently deserve as American citizens and as human beings.

Instead, sacrifices need to be made--by all of us. Most of us understand that--albeit begrudgingly--but we have our own ideas of what those sacrifices should be. Some believe education should be favored over defense; others believe that education cannot be properly provided by a nation vulnerable to attack by its enemies, so defense should take priority; those who favor public healthcare correctly believe that a strong nation is composed of healthy, well-taken-care-of citizens, while opponents of public healthcare do not hate the poor, but rather they feel that it will dissuade healthcare workers from doing their best in a noncompetitive environment. On the other hand, a good friend of mine believes that we as a nation will gain more respect and deference from the rest of the world if we put more focus on art and culture.

Are any of us wrong? Maybe, but who are any of us to say that it's those who disagree with us? Most of us who say as much don't have any sort of degree that would remotely qualify us to make such a declaration. It is a severe logical fallacy to suggest that because Romney wants to take care of the military first, he hates teachers. On the same token, it would be hypocritical of me to accuse Obama of being unpatriotic for not putting his hand over his heart during the National Anthem, as I have forgotten to do so more than once. So Romney doesn't want to be taxed more just because he has been more fortunate than the average person; would you? So Obama may or may not be Muslim; the Muslim faith is basically peaceful, and besides, he cannot rewrite the Constitution to enforce his alleged faith on the rest of us.

Bottom line: No matter who becomes President, people are going to die because of it. It's just a question of how. Will someone die because he/she is unemployed and can't afford healthcare, or will someone die at the hands of a negligent, overworked doctor? Because while it may be in a minority of cases, one of those scenarios will happen depending on who wins next month. Your candidate will not make you safe from death, disease, starvation, or any sort of danger or discomfort. At the end of the day, each candidate will make mistakes, each candidate will fail in certain areas, and each candidate will break promises. And those shortcomings we attribute to most ordinary human beings will have a negative effect on people, while either candidate's successes will benefit us as well. Don't kid yourself into thinking that one is our savior and the other our destruction. Just do your part to promote the good of all men, and remember that the good of all men does not consist of demonizing one of them.

The Last 10 Months Revisited

I have recently made it a goal of mine to blog more consistently...primarily because I'm tired of burdening my friends with the drama I make up in my head from overthinking just about everything that's not spelled out for me. Maybe that will reduce the stress in my life. But before I begin this post, here's a summary of what has happened in the 10 months since my last post:

I was pursued by my Boston best friend’s high school best friend, whom I had friended on Facebook 11 months earlier, but who hadn’t spoken to me since.

I pursued a girl here in the Boston area who moved in with my best friend and subsequently began dating someone else. After seeing these two people cuddling up to each other outside a potluck, I spiraled into a three-day bout of depression that was only partially mollified when I later saw them at Institute and realized that perhaps they were better for each other and perhaps he had more of the confidence and experience that this particular girl needed in a mate.

In response to my acceptance of the aforementioned relationship, 1) I decided to better myself by becoming more cultured and experienced, which meant reading more of the literary classics as well books on philosophy, religion, art, politics, and art, as well as traveling more; I consequently decided to take a trip to Jerusalem, even if it meant being by myself, and 2) I decided to give the girl in Utah a chance.

I developed a relationship with said girl in Utah and found myself falling in love with her after a couple of months; for the record, however, she said “I love you” first. We also decided to go to Jerusalem together.

This girl visited me in Boston in April, after which she went cold on me, saying she didn’t feel a connection anymore. However, she did not want to break up with me just yet; she wanted to make things work, her definition of which I am still not quite sure, as she rarely initiated any telephone or texting conversations with me and would often not respond to my attempts to contact her. She also decided that Jerusalem was no longer a priority for her, which still creates a bad taste in my mouth whenever I hear other friends talk about trips they have taken there. I had originally planned on going there by myself, but now I’m not sure I can even do that. So much for climbing Mt. Sinai or swimming in the Dead Sea!

After allowing this to go on for three months, convincing myself that I just needed to give it time, I gave into the spiritual prompting that had been bothering me for several weeks in the form of a knot in the pit of my stomach and broke up with the girl. The knot soon subsided. Of course, I wish I had done that before flirting with the idea of moving out to Utah for the sake of the "relationship", which had resulted in me getting rid of my contract where I lived. Fortunately, one of my roommates moved to New York, so I was able to take his contract. Unfortunately, he was a small man, and so is his room in the basement. Now I need to find a new place where I can fit my king-sized bed and where I won’t bang my head on the low doorway, and the options are scarce. I also still need a new job, as the Defense Industry is wearing on me, mostly because, thanks to budget cuts, what I have been doing for the past two years is not what I was hired to do.

Most of my female friends at the Nottinghill House are now dating someone, a phenomenon which I had long anticipated and which therefore motivated me to make more guy friends. Ironically, half of those guy friends are dating the girls at the Nottinghill House.

Despite a previous post saying that I had come to terms with turning 31, I am currently battling some sort of mid-life crisis, perhaps because I feel more of a connection with the people in the LP wards than I do with the people in the CRW. Even after 10 months, I am still the youngest male in my ward. I now understand how Neil Diamond felt in his song I Am I Said. I belong in one place, but I fit more in the other. Sigh.

Oh, and I was diagnosed with ADD over the summer, but I just barely decided to do something about it.

I guess that's enough for one post. I may expound on some of this as it becomes relevant again. But for now, it's more drama than most people would like from a guy, so I'll end here. At least I'm all caught up now.

Does Everybody Play Games?

In reference to my previous post, I would like to suggest that the pressure we tend to feel in our interpersonal relationships is also frequently caused by a third party. All too often, we assume that we know what goes on in another person's mind--simply because that is what goes on in our minds. As a result, we tell each other the appropriate way to behave around a given person--or people in general--even if we have no more experience than the person whom we're advising. This wouldn't be so bad--as opinions add flavor to life--were it not for the advice we often give as a result being 1) very adamant, and 2) based on the assumption that everybody plays games, and therefore so should we.

This is why I don't ask for dating advice as much as I used to. Whenever I do express anxiety over a girl in whom I am interested, most of my friends offer a one-size-fits-all method for measuring my chances with the girl, as well as an ultra-conservative approach on how to behave around her, so as to maximize my chances with her. This particularly confuses me because these friends also claim that 1) girls aren't all the same, and 2) when a girl likes a guy, the guy can get away with just about anything. My friend Jan Marie recently sent me a cartoon that illustrated the second phenomenon. And let's not forget the fact that outside of these specific contexts, we are urged to just be ourselves.

So why do people insist on giving each other ultimate assessments of their relationships at such a volume that leaves little room for disagreement? We often don't even have to meet our friends' romantic interests before presenting our theory as absolute fact. And once again, it might not be so bad if those theories didn't consistently assume that our romantic interests are going to play games with us.

Yes, I understand that if a girl goes several days without responding to my phone call, it's a good sign she's not that interested. But if the same girl reassures me that she is simply busy and would love to go out when she has time, I don't think it's such a big mistake to trust her, not to mention trust how I feel when she offers such reassurance. When we override these initial impressions with generalizations about opposite-gender behavior, we inadvertently undermine our own judgement and self-confidence. That is something I refuse to do.

Pressure!

I'm in Denmark right now. I'm here visiting Jan Marie for the week, and I'm loving it! But I'll save my rants for Facebook.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a nice heart-to-heart with a friend of mine who expressed how much pressure she has been feeling over the past couple of months. She's new to the area, has started a new job, and is making new friends, among other things. She described herself as being pulled in a million different directions, which I do not doubt.

Upon having that conversation, I resolved to do my part as her friend to reduce said pressure. But I have since realized that such an endeavor can be just as bad if taken to extremes. In our interpersonal relationships, I don't think we realize that pressure works both ways. Not only should we not feel pressured by the actions of others, but we should also not feel pressured to make others feel less pressure...if that makes sense.

For example, I sometimes worry about the way I act around people. I have worried about saying the wrong thing, not smiling enough, and even posting the wrong thing on Facebook. But I am who I am, and while I respect limits and personal bubbles, I can't walk on eggshells every time I open my mouth. If I can't be myself around one person, I should go be myself around someone else.

I'd like to draw upon Elder David Bednar's talk from a past LDS General Conference about being offended, and suggest that the concept applies in these situations. To extend on that, not only does being offended deprive ourselves of many opportunities, it also deprives others of the comfort of being themselves. Of course it's okay to define our limits, but we shouldn't get stressed out when someone inadvertently pushes those limits.

Remember that we're all socially inept to a degree, so we need to cut each other a break. We also need to cut ourselves a break, as a lot of the pressure we feel is often self-inflicted. Surely my friend expected me to be nothing but myself, as she had given me no reason to think otherwise. In the end, it's all about trusting ourselves and each other to...well, trust us.

Pressing On

Life really isn't as monotonous as I make it sound when people ask me what's going on in my life. I'm just terrible at remembering the little things that have made life interesting. I was stoked at Halloween when I found a simple yet awesome costume at the last minute. I had decided earlier that week to go to my best friend's party as either the Count of Monte Cristo or the Phantom of the Opera. I eventually decided the latter would be more practical. Sure enough, I found a cape and a phantom mask. As I tried it on in the car, however, I realized it was considerably small for my face. Darn my six-inch forehead! But when I went to pick up a friend to go to dinner beforehand, I borrowed some scissors and cut off the bottom part that goes over your chin. Still good, right? Then the string broke. Oh dear! But my friend's landlord let me borrow some yarn. At first I silently scoffed at the idea, but to my surprise, it worked great. For the first time in four years, I would be going to a Halloween party with a costume to be proud of (Seriously, my Gryffindor/Death Eater costume two years ago was too confusing to constitute a 'proud' costume.). In retrospect, I realize that things worked out because, instead of lamenting over a Halloween wasted by my lack of preparation, I had proactively determined to make it work--and it did...with help, of course.

And I have also come to terms with turning 31 this month, which means I'll be joining the Charles River Ward. My roommates are throwing me a wake, which is very cool of them. It looks like we'll get a good turnout, too. People will be bringing their favorite funeral dish, and the Grim Reaper will be there to summon me into the CRW. Jan Marie, who moved to Denmark in August to do research for a year, is visiting and will be there as well. And I get to visit her in Denmark next month!

So in summary, life is very interesting. But most importantly, life is good. I attribute it to two things: reading my scriptures on a regular basis again, and getting rid of most of the drama in my life. Reading the scriptures is a no-brainer, while getting rid of drama has been surprisingly helpful. I don't stress out about the things I can't control, and instead work a little harder at those things I can control. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this life.

Integrity Comes in All Sizes

I like to read advice columns. Growing up, in addition to reading the Sports Page every morning, I would read an advice column by Ann Landers, twin sister to Dear Abby. I'm not embarrassed to admit this, because I would usually read it just for the drama in other people's lives. It was pretty entertaining.

These days I read a column on the Slate Magazine website called Dear Prudie; again, it's just for the drama/entertainment. However, this column is a little more entertaining than Ann Landers was, simply because some of the problems being discussed are so ludicrous and devoid of anything resembling common sense, that I compare them to those ridiculous Judge Judy lawsuits that I sometimes watch on YouTube--also for entertainment. And Prudie is certainly the Judge Judy of advice columns, delivering contempt and derision where they are deserved.

This week a woman wrote in to Prudie's Live Chat session, asking what to do about her friend who had loaned her 12 year-old son 75 cents for bus money on a field trip and was pestering him to pay her back. This woman couldn't see what the big deal was about 75 cents, and felt her friend was going too far. Prudie agreed, but also advised the woman that her attitude was suspect as well. She suggested that the letter-writer (LW) was supporting her son's refusal to repay the debt only because she didn't like the way her friend was handling it. Prudie sided with the woman's husband, who felt they should repay the 75 cents and be done with it. I agreed with Prudie's advice, but wanted to expand on it, so I posted a comment on it. Check it out:

Regarding the $0.75 drama, the LW is forgetting that children learn values through little lessons proportionate to their age and maturity level. Seventy-five cents may not seem like a big deal to an adult, but to a 12 year-old...well, in this case it meant a bus ride home, which is a big deal to a child. At that age I would have been scared to death at the prospect of being stranded miles away from home, so knowing how grateful and relieved Alex probably was that he didn't have to walk home--which was probably his greatest fear, even though one of the adults on the field trip certainly would have stepped forward and helped him out--he should show that gratitude and repay the loan just like an adult should repay someone for loaning them money for a plane trip across the country.

While Pam may have gone a bit far, she isn't just trying to teach Alex financial responsibility. She's trying to teach him integrity. When I was a child, anytime I loaned money to a friend--even if it was just a quarter--my mother would tell me to make sure they paid me back. On the same token, if I borrowed money from a friend, she kept on my case until I paid them back. Thanks to that training, anytime someone helps me out financially, I can't live with myself until I repay them--unless of course they refuse repayment.

I hope the LW doesn't think that her children will just wake up one day as adults and realize that it's important to pay people back when they loan you money. Her "It's just 75 cents" attitude is a dangerous slippery slope that could blur the lines of integrity for them. If 75 cents is no big deal, then how much is a big deal?

I'm proud to say that not only did five people "like" my comment, but my comment also received four replies--all positive. One reply read "I want to be Matt," accompanied by a smiley-face emoticon. How touching!

But really, how could anyone disagree with the principle of repaying those who loan you money or otherwise help you out? Unfortunately a lot of people do. I'm just glad that there are at least four people on that site (and Prudie) who get the concept of integrity.