Mormon Singles Wards: Why We Deserve to Be Treated Like Children

A few months ago, I read the blog post The Infantilisation of Young Single Adults. In a nutshell, this discusses why the author feels Mormon singles are being stunted emotionally by the social opportunities offered them in their respective wards. Many of the things described in this post reminded me of my own singles ward experiences. I have been to singles activities where we played Duck-Duck-Goose (hadn't played that since second grade), crab-soccer (why is it never regular soccer?), and four men on a couch (it's actually pretty fun when you're feeling silly; otherwise it's best reserved for high school kids). But I didn't realize these were common throughout the Church.

While reading the post, I clicked a link to the Activities section of the Church Handbook, and I wondered if the approach of Church Auxiliary leaders towards single members has something to do with this issue. Seriously, based on Church guidelines, my 26 year-old cousin, who was barely a deacon when I left for my mission, is now qualified to chaperone me at Church dances simply because he has already found that special someone with whom to spend eternity. That just isn't right. And some of the other policies and practices by their very existence suggest a mistrust of our judgment. In Boston, our campouts are planned quite extensively, and while we're certainly not required to participate in the service activity, relays, or ward skit, what exactly is the motive behind scheduling all three throughout an entire Saturday?

To articulate the connection here, I should profess my belief in the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you keep believing someone will behave a certain way, they eventually will. In this context, if you keep treating someone like a child, they'll start acting like a child--hence the juvenile activities. But while such policies regarding Mormon singles activities may in fact be patronizing us as well as stunting us emotionally, I'm not sure how many of us are in a position to suggest that we deserve better. Do we really?

For starters, people are cliquish. Whether it's age, looks, clothing, or wealth, when we notice differences, we become just like Dr Seuss's Sneetches. Mormons are no different, throwing invite-only parties where the coolness factor is an issue, repeatedly passing the ball or frisbee to the more athletic types at activities even when the less athletic type are clearly open, and subtly walking away from conversation circles when someone we don't care for has just joined the circle.

Next, we don't know how to interact with the opposite sex, thus suggesting why we're still single in the first place. I currently attend the mid-singles ward in Boston, and while I know several people in that ward who simply haven't found the right one, there are others who make it painfully obvious why it's taking them so long to get married. From blowing each other off for dates instead of just saying we're not interested, to awkwardly avoiding each other following a date, to simply ignoring each other in non-dating social contexts unless we are romantically interested, we act like children around each other.

While I'm at it, I might as well throw in the communication deficit. We don't know how to be straightforward with each other, making promises we know we can't keep and then avoiding one-on-one situations with them while hoping they'll practice some decorum by not bringing it up in public settings. If by chance they do get us alone, we make excuses for why we haven't followed through. And then there are those of us who actually get upset with each other for not detecting these signals. Heaven forbid we should give each other the benefit of the doubt by assuming that our excuses really are sincere.

So what does all of this have to do with the nature of our singles activities? At face value, nothing at all. It would be kind of strange to punish flakiness by planning a blanket fort FHE, but does the full tithe payer deserve the blessings upon which it is predicated if he doesn't keep the Sabbath Day holy? Whatever our Auxiliary leaders' motives are for regulating our activities the way they do, we should ask ourselves whether we truly deserve the trust and reliance we are asking for based on other, seemingly unrelated behavior.

You want to play regular soccer at the next FHE? Are you willing to teach some of the finer points to those who have less experience with the game--as opposed to taking advantage of said inexperience when they end up on the other team? I'm pretty sure that's one reason we play crab soccer instead--because nobody is good at crab soccer. You want to do a hiking activity up in the mountains instead of building forts at the church? Will you do your part to make sure everybody that wants to go--not just those people you click with--has a way of getting there? And if you really want to avoid those dreaded speed-dating activities, maybe you should try dating on your own--you know, the kind that you arrange in person or over the phone (not group hangouts that you arrange via text), during which you act genuinely interested in getting to know the other person, and after which you are able to interact without worrying that the other person wants to marry you.

I can't say whether that will persuade our Auxiliary leaders to treat us differently, while the policy on chaperoning activities may be more of an attempt to help us avoid temptation during such a tenuous stage in our lives. I do know, however, that if we want a leg to stand on when asking to be treated like adults--no matter the context--we need to start acting like adults.