Friday, April 4, 2014

If the Ordain Women Debate Were a Family Discussion - Because We Are a Family

With LDS General Conference fast approaching (as in tomorrow), emotions are unsurprisingly intensifying with regards to the Ordain Women Movement's intent to demonstrate once again on the grounds at Temple Square. Last October, Ordain Women (OW) supporters arrived at the Conference Center for the Saturday evening Priesthood session and requested tickets. This time, supporters will also be showing their solidarity for the Movement by wearing purple to the other sessions.

In response to this, many opponents of female ordination have delivered quite the vitriolic backlash. In addition to the death threats and condemnations of apostasy, I have seen and heard accusations of disrespect towards the Prophet, presuppositions of lack of faith and testimony that can surely by remedied by praying and reading your scriptures every day, and even comparisons of the OW Movement to a little child acting up.

Little child acting up? Hmm… In the loosest sense, that comparison is not so far-fetched. Inasmuch as we are Christ's family, are we not all His little children? With that in mind, I would like to draw a comparison between the Ordain Women debate and a typical family discussion:

One day, 13 year-old Johnny came home from school unhappy. He wasn't sure why. While he was bullied at school on a regular basis, he was usually able to brush that off as soon as he safely entered the house. This time, however, something wasn't right. At the dinner table, while his parents and older sister were talking about everyday issues, Johnny stayed quiet in his seat. Then, out of nowhere, he burst into tears. His mother looked over and asked what was the matter. But he couldn't articulate an answer. He couldn't even speak. The tears were so uncontrollable that he felt like he would choke on them just by opening his mouth. He felt hot and dizzy. His mother just sat there patiently, at first cracking a joke to lighten the mood ("Did Suzie not say hi to you today?"), but upon realizing just how much pain he was in, her demeanor became serious and sympathetic.

And then there was his sister Sally. She just sat there nonchalantly, looking around the room as if she was uncomfortably waiting for her brother's emotional breakdown to pass. But when Johnny finally began articulating to his mother how he was feeling, Sally began snickering and rolling her eyes in response. Each time she did, their mother would give her a dirty look and tell her to stop. This wasn't a laughing matter. It wasn't a ridiculous matter. A member of this family was in pain. Johnny was in pain.

Now many of us who grew up with siblings can likely relate to this situation. Some of us have been in Johnny's shoes, while others have been in Sally's shoes. Either way, I bring this up because I can see a very strong parallel between that situation and the tactics being used by opponents of the OW Movement.

The snickering and eye rolling in this debate seems to come most often in the form of unChristlike ridicule and amateur attempts at satire. I recently read this article, which minimizes the requests of the OW Movement by comparing them to men wanting padded seats, a father's lounge, male enrichment night, etc. It's as if those so-called privileges enjoyed by the sisters in the Church parallel the privilege of holding the Priesthood. This other article further demeans the Movement's objective--and in my opinion, the Priesthood as well--by satirically reducing their requests to a request for the right to get up early Saturday morning and help fellow members move.

By itself, it is disrespectful enough to our fellow brothers and sisters. When we minimize our brothers' and sisters' desires like that, we are dismissing the feelings of some of Heavenly Father's children. Remember how we're each great in the sight of God? Remember how, when we think someone has gone astray, we are supposed to invite them back in a spirit of pure, selfless love? In my book, a satirical reaction to a person's genuine feelings about their place in God's Kingdom doesn't seem to meet that criteria.

But this strategy is even worse when accompanied by the other strategies that are being used, such as very public criticism and condemnation of the OW Movement. Let's say Sally was annoyed by her brother's complaints, and was even further annoyed when the situation didn't go away after that. So she decided to bully Johnny in front of all of their friends, lecturing him on why his feelings were way off base, accusing him of being disrespectful to their parents, calling him a poor excuse for a son and brother, and even inviting him to "leave home if you're so unhappy."

Now that we know the OW Movement isn't going away, many of us have become annoyed and defensive towards an issue we had previously laughed off as a trivial matter. Unrighteous judgments, accusations of apostasy and disrespect for the Prophet, and even invitations to leave the Church are popular weapons, and they aren't just reactive anymore. Opponents are proactively visiting the OW Movement Facebook page, as well the private Facebook pages of supporters, and trolling threads with comments ranging from merely condescending to downright hateful.

All of this surprises me. Before things became heated, I witnessed people just laughing off the issue, completely dismissing female ordination as a passing phase. But now that we see it isn't going away, many of those same people are getting angry. This is similar to Johnny and Sally's situation. At first, Sally laughed it off. But when she saw that Johnny was continuing to feel that way, suddenly his feelings annoyed her. But why? Why should his claims bother her if it wasn't a big deal?

Because it was a big deal. And so is this. Female ordination is a big deal. The Priesthood is a big deal. And it is quite hypocritical for any of us to snicker at an issue, but then attack it aggressively after seeing that said snickering won't make it go away. Either this is a serious matter, or it isn't. If it isn't serious, and if those seeking female ordination are simply being irrational and getting worked up over nothing, there is no reason to get on the defensive towards them.

Satirizing this issue is especially hypocritical when one considers that the OW Movement has been accused of showing disrespect towards the Priesthood and the Prophet's divine authority. How can we say that, but then turn around and reduce the Priesthood--the sacred power to act in the name of God--to a mundane task of waking up on weekends to help someone move a few boxes, just for the sake of making a point?

The parallel between the OW Movement and the family discussion example isn't perfect. Johnny and Sally are just kids. But that makes our reaction to the OW Movement worse, doesn't it? We are adults treating each other like garbage--all in the name of defending the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Johnny's mother listened to him because she loved him and could see that he was in pain. Many opponents of the OW Movement have openly acknowledged the pain felt by those seeking female ordination, only to dismiss them with patronizing, presumptuous invitations to "have more faith" and "strengthen your testimony of the Gospel."

The fact is that none of that is necessary, and a lot of it is out of bounds. God does not need our help screaming at each other time and time again what His will is. Yes, we should remind our loved ones (in a spirit of love) of the truths that they have been taught, but I've never met Kate Kelly, so how can I go on her page and call her to repentance? No one can do that but her leaders that have stewardship over her. And if they did call her to repentance, it would be in private.

In addition, the Prophet and Apostles don't need us telling the OW supporters how they should interpret the talks given at General Conference. And the Church certainly doesn't need all of the blog posts and Facebook posts questioning the OW Movement's motives and denouncing its character. Even if we feel commanded to defend the Church against opposition, such defense should be aimed at the opposition and no one else. It would be wrong for Sally to complain to her friends about her brother acting up. If she truly has a problem with him, she should approach him (again, in a spirit of love) and tell him her thoughts and where she's coming from. Their parents certainly don't need her defending them to the world and making sure her younger brother doesn't damage their reputation. But that's the attitude many of us have adopted in an attempt to justify our negative reaction to the OW Movement. We tell ourselves we're just defending God's Church against the opposition and its negative impact. But the Church has withstood so much worse than this. If it is God's Church, and if the Gospel is true, then He doesn't need us behaving this way to keep someone from ruining it. It can't be ruined.

Some of our brothers and sisters are in pain. The way they have chosen to express that pain does not change how Christ has counseled us to respond to them. Even if the OW Movement and/or its methods are wrong in the sight of God, they are still our brothers and sisters. And I have positioned opponents of the Movement as the older sister in the story, because if those who oppose female ordination do have the moral high ground like many of them claim, then they should take the high road no matter how their brothers and sisters choose to behave. God has commanded that!

Johnny's feelings may very well have been unfounded, but Sally wouldn't even entertain the alternative. She just assumed he was acting up. But a little child acting up is still a child of God.

8 comments:

  1. I really like this analogy; large groups of people often behave like children.
    I especially like the beginning describing Johnny’s breakdown. There are things that are wrong with Mormon culture, there are brothers and sisters in the gospel who recognize that and they're reacting to their pain. I have had had some really unfortunate experiences at church, gender related and not, sometimes in wards that everyone else saw as perfectly harmonious. I dare say most Mormons have felt offended at church at some point or another. Sometimes you feel alone, but other times you find people who understand your pain, and that’s the best way to get through it. The worst thing that can happen any time you’re upset is when someone invalidates your feelings.
    Whether the best step forward towards equality and Zion is women ordination, I can't say. But there are large groups of saints that feel a lot of hurt (on both sides of the issue), and if we really look at where that comes from, instead of selfishly reacting to the "inconvenient" breakdown at dinner, we'll all find a lot more love for each other. Christ like love is what we’re all here to develop.
    Sally is Johnny’s sister; she should be his closest ally. To have her turn around and contribute to the problem of bullying is devastating. On my best of days as an older sister, when my brother came home like that I would try to pay attention to him the next day at school, look at what might be leading him to be so unhappy. I would come home and ask my parents about what I/we could do to help him, because his pain was my pain. That love is what families are for.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I completely agree that demeaning and mocking other members of the church is categorically wrong. We are brothers and sisters in Christ.

    The challenge, however, which this blog post does not address, is what do we do as members of the church when we feel that others in the church are doing something wrong. What do we do when someone we know and love is committing a sin? What do we do when someone we know and love is doing something that we believe to be heretical or damaging to the church? To use the analogy above, how should Mom, Dad (for my own purposes, I'll say that the parents represent the church), and Sally (representing other members of the church) react if they believe that Johnny has done something wrong, possibly even something that has hurt the rest of the family? React with love? Of course. But the real specifics of the situation - what Mom, Dad, and Sally should say to Johnny - is tough.

    In the case of the OW movement, many other members of the church feel very hurt by OW's continued actions. These are very strong feelings - misrepresentation, disrespect, slander, mischaracterization, among others - and OW seems not to care at all. In the case of its attempts to attend Priesthood Session of General Conference, the church has multiple times given OW a clear "no", yet OW persists in its demands. To use your parenting example, if Johnny asks his parents for something, and they say "no" but Johnny keeps asking for it, even going to the extent that he creates a public spectacle over it, how are the parents to respond? How should Sally respond? This issue is far more complicated than your blog post represents it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for your thoughts, Michael. I agree that the Ordain Women issue is very complicated, and I have hardly scratched the surface about how either side is behaving and how we should respond to such behavior. However, I don't feel it is necessary to have a perfect understanding of what is the right course of action in order to observe and rebuke the wrong course of action. The fact is that death threats and accusations of apostasy are not how we should be treating our brothers and sisters. I am not close enough to the issue to know how to appropriately respond to the specific feelings and concerns of OW supporters. But I do know that however anyone responds should not be exacerbated by their own feelings of hurt and defensiveness, but influenced by love and genuine concern.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Torie, thanks for your comment as well. I completely agree!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Matt, I think your analogy is really good. I totally agree that your paraphrase of Gamaliel is appropriate to these questions.

    What do you think is the cause of such strongly negative reactions to OW's requests and methods? Is it merely the typical fear of change? Is it the fear of self-reflection that would be required to take OW's concerns seriously? Michael here claims that some people actually feel hurt by OW folks expressing their own hurt. Where does this hurt come from?

    It seems to me that there is some deeper issue, some more fundamental affliction, and all this argument around women's ordination is really just a visible symptom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment, Jacobus. (Sorry it took me so long to reply.)

      I personally think that a lot of the backlash is driven by fear. We Latter-Day Saints are no different from the rest of the world in our fear of the unknown. As a church body, many of us are just experimenting with the realization that the Church evolves in its teachings and that such evolution is necessary when you have human beings for leaders.

      On the other hand, we are bound to have people abuse this newfound sense of liberation that comes from Church admissions that our leaders have made mistakes in the past. I think it's a dangerous slippery slope when people apply such a sentiment to any and every piece of doctrine they have a difficult time reconciling with. Even if women do get the Priesthood sometime in the future, that does not mean that the Church was wrong to previously ordain only men. I wonder if some of the more aggressive opponents of the OW Movement see this slippery slope and wish to suppress it before it gets out of hand. Obviously they're going about it the wrong way, but I can certainly sympathize with their desire to defend the Gospel against change, not realizing that when the Church does evolve, it is not the Gospel that changes, but our application of it.

      And I also think that with these being the Last Days, many of us (including me) are sensitive to any and every assault on the Church--real or imagined. It's the same reason a lot of members view Obama as the Anti-Christ, who is going to bring on the Second Coming. But I wonder if members of the Church felt that way about Hitler.

      Delete
  6. Thanks for the article, it's a great analogy. A couple things came to mind as I was reflecting on your words. Seems like condemning Sally for not being Christ-like is not really the best solution. This, in my experience, has not been an effective tool in changing hearts. Matt has alot of very valid points, and what should maybe be considered is that there are probably external influences affecting Johnny AND Sally. This is where the role of a parent can REALLY make a difference. Who knows what's really going on in Sally's life and why are we so quick to judge and condemn her for being a child as well? Seems like there should be less "us vs. them" and more inclusiveness. Say the parent were to bring BOTH children in on a group hug, what would that do? Would Sally maybe begin to feel the pain of Johnny? Would she better see the tears in his eyes? Feel his sobbing? Would she maybe begin to weep with him? Would this promote family unity? Would Sally and Johnny's dynamic change? I would like to think so.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your thoughts, Nathan. I agree that we should not condemn people like Sally for their un-Christlike behavior. I like your idea that there are probably external influences affecting both children. In my reply to Jacobus, I suggested that the backlash towards the OW Movement may be driven by fear and resistance to change, which is quite common. Your comment is a great reminder that such fears should be addressed as well, much like when Christ assured His Apostles that He had not come to do away with the Law of Moses, but to fulfill it. That only takes up one verse, but I wonder just how extensive their resistance really was. I know our leaders have been consistently offering us reassurance against the crazy things going on in the rest of the world. Maybe soon they will more explicitly reassure us against the fears that tend to befall us when the Church itself makes changes.

      Delete