In reference to my previous post, I would like to suggest that the pressure we tend to feel in our interpersonal relationships is also frequently caused by a third party. All too often, we assume that we know what goes on in another person's mind--simply because that is what goes on in our minds. As a result, we tell each other the appropriate way to behave around a given person--or people in general--even if we have no more experience than the person whom we're advising. This wouldn't be so bad--as opinions add flavor to life--were it not for the advice we often give as a result being 1) very adamant, and 2) based on the assumption that everybody plays games, and therefore so should we.
This is why I don't ask for dating advice as much as I used to. Whenever I do express anxiety over a girl in whom I am interested, most of my friends offer a one-size-fits-all method for measuring my chances with the girl, as well as an ultra-conservative approach on how to behave around her, so as to maximize my chances with her. This particularly confuses me because these friends also claim that 1) girls aren't all the same, and 2) when a girl likes a guy, the guy can get away with just about anything. My friend Jan Marie recently sent me a cartoon that illustrated the second phenomenon. And let's not forget the fact that outside of these specific contexts, we are urged to just be ourselves.
So why do people insist on giving each other ultimate assessments of their relationships at such a volume that leaves little room for disagreement? We often don't even have to meet our friends' romantic interests before presenting our theory as absolute fact. And once again, it might not be so bad if those theories didn't consistently assume that our romantic interests are going to play games with us.
Yes, I understand that if a girl goes several days without responding to my phone call, it's a good sign she's not that interested. But if the same girl reassures me that she is simply busy and would love to go out when she has time, I don't think it's such a big mistake to trust her, not to mention trust how I feel when she offers such reassurance. When we override these initial impressions with generalizations about opposite-gender behavior, we inadvertently undermine our own judgement and self-confidence. That is something I refuse to do.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Pressure!
I'm in Denmark right now. I'm here visiting Jan Marie for the week, and I'm loving it! But I'll save my rants for Facebook.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a nice heart-to-heart with a friend of mine who expressed how much pressure she has been feeling over the past couple of months. She's new to the area, has started a new job, and is making new friends, among other things. She described herself as being pulled in a million different directions, which I do not doubt.
Upon having that conversation, I resolved to do my part as her friend to reduce said pressure. But I have since realized that such an endeavor can be just as bad if taken to extremes. In our interpersonal relationships, I don't think we realize that pressure works both ways. Not only should we not feel pressured by the actions of others, but we should also not feel pressured to make others feel less pressure...if that makes sense.
For example, I sometimes worry about the way I act around people. I have worried about saying the wrong thing, not smiling enough, and even posting the wrong thing on Facebook. But I am who I am, and while I respect limits and personal bubbles, I can't walk on eggshells every time I open my mouth. If I can't be myself around one person, I should go be myself around someone else.
I'd like to draw upon Elder David Bednar's talk from a past LDS General Conference about being offended, and suggest that the concept applies in these situations. To extend on that, not only does being offended deprive ourselves of many opportunities, it also deprives others of the comfort of being themselves. Of course it's okay to define our limits, but we shouldn't get stressed out when someone inadvertently pushes those limits.
Remember that we're all socially inept to a degree, so we need to cut each other a break. We also need to cut ourselves a break, as a lot of the pressure we feel is often self-inflicted. Surely my friend expected me to be nothing but myself, as she had given me no reason to think otherwise. In the end, it's all about trusting ourselves and each other to...well, trust us.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a nice heart-to-heart with a friend of mine who expressed how much pressure she has been feeling over the past couple of months. She's new to the area, has started a new job, and is making new friends, among other things. She described herself as being pulled in a million different directions, which I do not doubt.
Upon having that conversation, I resolved to do my part as her friend to reduce said pressure. But I have since realized that such an endeavor can be just as bad if taken to extremes. In our interpersonal relationships, I don't think we realize that pressure works both ways. Not only should we not feel pressured by the actions of others, but we should also not feel pressured to make others feel less pressure...if that makes sense.
For example, I sometimes worry about the way I act around people. I have worried about saying the wrong thing, not smiling enough, and even posting the wrong thing on Facebook. But I am who I am, and while I respect limits and personal bubbles, I can't walk on eggshells every time I open my mouth. If I can't be myself around one person, I should go be myself around someone else.
I'd like to draw upon Elder David Bednar's talk from a past LDS General Conference about being offended, and suggest that the concept applies in these situations. To extend on that, not only does being offended deprive ourselves of many opportunities, it also deprives others of the comfort of being themselves. Of course it's okay to define our limits, but we shouldn't get stressed out when someone inadvertently pushes those limits.
Remember that we're all socially inept to a degree, so we need to cut each other a break. We also need to cut ourselves a break, as a lot of the pressure we feel is often self-inflicted. Surely my friend expected me to be nothing but myself, as she had given me no reason to think otherwise. In the end, it's all about trusting ourselves and each other to...well, trust us.
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