Are Stereotypes Necessarily Bad?

Recently on Twitter, I made a comment that stereotypes are based on true experiences. Someone asked me if I was justifying stereotypes.

My answer to that is yes and no. Stereotypes aren't inherently bad, and by definition have an element of truth. It's what we do with them that can be bad. The way I see it, there are positive and negative ways to respond to stereotypes, and they fall into two categories. The positive response generally involves awareness and preparedness. The negative response generally involves reactiveness and suspicion. Mind you, these thoughts are anecdotal, but they make sense to me. With that in mind, allow me to illustrate with some examples:

Stereotype: Most tall people are good at basketball.

Positive Response: If you're a college basketball scout and visit a high school basketball summer camp, you should probably factor in height when looking for a good rebounder. That doesn't mean you should ignore the shorter players, but it is common sense that being tall makes it easier to rebound the ball.

Negative Response: If you're a college basketball scout, you might ignore the shorter players. If you're anyone else, you might judge a tall person who isn't good at basketball, perhaps thinking he/she doesn't have any other talents. It is true that for some reason, we sometimes negatively judge someone who doesn't meet our expectations based on a given stereotype of their demographic - regardless of the nature of the stereotype.

Stereotype: Most men are problem solvers, while most women like to discuss their problems without necessarily seeking a solution.

Positive Response: Women, if a man tells you he has some issues he's trying to figure out, 1) Ask him if he wants to talk about it, and 2) If the answer to number 1 is yes, listen to him and ask if he would like some advice. Stereotypically, he will not tell you no when he really does want help. Otherwise he wouldn't have said yes to number 1.

Men, if a woman tells you her problems, ask whether she is seeking a solution or a listener.

Negative Response: All I can think of for this stereotype is that sometimes, if a man is seeking a listener instead of a solution, his friends will resent him for wasting their time. They assume that he will want a solution, so perhaps they will set a different standard for when and how long they are willing to listen to him. That's the only explanation I can think of for why they would respond to him differently than if he were a woman doing the same thing. Or perhaps it's just that he violates their expectations based on the stereotype, all other things being equal. And by friends I mean both male and female friends. I've had female friends respond to me less than favorably for getting more emotional than the average male.

In contrast, a negative response to a solution-oriented woman would be to assume that she's too pushy and demanding.

In other words, when it comes to offering a solution vs. just listening, ask either gender which they would prefer. Regarding expectations, prepare for and respect the possibility of either preference.

Stereotype: Most Middle Easterners are terrorists.

Positive Response: If you're at a restaurant and see two men who appear to be Middle Eastern, and they start using vague yet suspicious language such as "Don't fail the mission," "We want them to be afraid," and "Five minutes until the big kaboom," then you should call the police. Something similar actually happened shortly after 9/11, and the person who called it in was accused of racial profiling. But while the existence of a terrorist threat is debated these days, back then it was common sense to be careful. In fact, the Bush Administration was criticized for not detecting the signs leading to 9/11.

That being said, you should notify the authorities of any such suspicious behavior, regardless of the person's race or ethnicity.

Negative Response: With your friends, tackle the men to the ground in front of everybody, shouting, "Terrorist!"

Stereotype: All church-goers are good, honest people.

Positive Response: When you go to church, chances are you won't need to worry about being robbed or attacked as though you were in a dark alley. Don't automatically be on your guard without cause. Recognize, however, that people who go to church are still human, so don't lose your faith all at once if one or more people violate this stereotype.

Negative Response: Intentionally leave your wallet and your keys in the foyer. Again, everyone is human, especially in these hard times.

To summarize, stereotypes only hurt us when we rely on them to make our decisions for us. Otherwise they simply act as defense mechanisms and/or shortcuts. Remember that all defense mechanisms and shortcuts should be assessed for effectiveness before being used. And so it should be with stereotypes. Keep in mind that stereotypes and misconceptions are completely different. One is rooted in some element of truth, however unwisely generalized, while the other is often based on falsehoods that have been passed down due to hate (i.e. racism, homophobia, etc.). We often say stereotype when what we mean is misconception.

So yes, there is a place for stereotypes.

Real Love vs. Emotional Pornography: When Butterflies, Stuttering, and Just Knowing Don't Happen

I just read the article The Dangers of Emotional Pornography, which discusses how the media sets unrealistic emotional expectations for our romantic relationships. While countless articles have been written for decades on this subject, reminding us that true love is seldom how it is portrayed in our favorite Disney flicks, this article extends the discussion to include the negative implications of these expectations. Using movie examples such as The Notebook and Jerry Maguire, the article likens some of our favorite love stories on the silver screen to emotional pornography.

At first this may sound like a harsh assessment, but when you think about it, what is pornography? While an exact, consistent definition has never been agreed upon, a historical sentiment has been that pornography sets unrealistic expectations in the eyes of the viewer towards those people represented in the images. Simply put, a man who looks at pornographic images of women risks developing the expectation that all women look like those images. Emotional pornography is not much different, as it teaches us to expect certain feelings to arise as indicators of chemistry and attraction. And, like visual pornography, those who fall victim to emotional pornography tend to experience anger and frustration when those expectations aren't fulfilled.

I think back to one of my first girlfriends, who at the time had been severely victimized by this epidemic. In her mind, if while kissing someone you had your eyes open and/or were thinking of other things, that was a bad sign. She felt like talking on the phone all night every night was the norm, and that two people in love should never tire of each other. I have heard it said that when you meet the right person you just know, and that the love of your life should put butterflies in your stomach every time he/she walks by.

Now I'm not saying that those things aren't possible. I have known couples who seemed to know right away that they wanted to be together. I had a college buddy who never went on dates before meeting his wife. I couldn't even picture him with a woman. And yet right from the start, he made it clear that he felt like he would die if he never asked her out. The feelings were so mutual that dating was practically a mere formality for them. Obviously this happens for some people.

But what about when those types of feelings don't happen right away? What about those of us who are awkward the first time you meet us and have a more difficult time getting to know people? As much as we like to believe that love defies all reason and logic, I am not convinced that a woman is going to know she wants to spend forever with me before coming to terms with some of my less delightful eccentricities. I won't get into them, but I will tell you that some of them are such that I would be turned off if the woman I was dating didn't at least point them out sometime in the relationship. Whether she points them out respectfully and whether she can live with them is a different story. I hope she can. But at the very least, I expect to hear the question, "Why don't you walk in a straight line?" at least once. And let's be honest. That scar on my leg where my tumor used to be is bound to be a romance killer for anyone who's not expecting it.

The fact is that the true love portrayed in the media is unhealthy if taken in its most literal sense. We forget that many of these love stories often sandwich weeks and weeks of courtship into two hours of entertainment, glossing over the hardships experienced in these relationships and musically montaging the high points as if those are the essence of the relationship. I have admittedly fallen for that myself, and it's frustrating! While I'm sure many young members of this increasingly progressive society would deny it, I would venture to pinpoint this as a major reason people have been getting married later. It isn't just about finding fulfillment in your life before tying yourself to someone else for the rest of your life. In all actuality, I feel like most of us want to find that special someone sooner than later, but somehow it is ingrained in us that unless we're walking on air the first time we meet someone--or at the very latest, after the first date--it's probably not meant to be.

So what is real love? When I observe some of my married friends on Facebook and in real life, I notice that most of them are still falling in love with each other. They treat falling in love as a process that hasn't been completed yet, let alone completed before they decided to be together. They took a chance on each other, and because they were both committed, they are reaping the benefits. Very few of them experienced the silver screen version of true love. To debunk some of the assumptions I mentioned above, here are some examples:

1. The First Kiss - A friend and former college roommate of mine once told me that his first kiss with his wife was awkward and disgusting. This was partially because it was his first kiss, and he didn't realize that kissing is more of a feeling than an action. Long story short, he probably had his eyes open and was thinking about other stuff besides romance while kissing her, as was she. And yet, eight years and four boys later, theirs is one of the happiest, most well-rounded families I have ever known.

2. Spending Every Waking Moment Together - Just a couple of years ago, I had another roommate who was dating the woman he would soon marry. One night, as I was returning from a friend's house at around 11:00, my roommate and his girlfriend were coming out of his bedroom. She looked pretty tired and frazzled, like she hadn't slept in days. Apparently my roommate agreed, because he specifically instructed the rest of us not to start a conversation with her, that she needed to get home to bed. This was a far cry from my former girlfriend's attitude that true love and the desire to spend time together trumped all need for sleep. In reality, we tend to resent people who demand so much of our time and energy. The most successful relationships I've seen have been those where each person respected the other's space.

3. Just Knowing -I liked Jessica Alba in Valentines Day, but when she asks Ashton Kutcher whether he'd rather have the girl think about marrying him or just know, I cringe. I have many friends who spent quite a while deciding whether they wanted to marry their significant other. My brother-in-law's younger brother had to wait for an answer, while a church leader of mine had to wait while his wife eliminated other romantic possibilities. Marriage is a big step not to be trifled with! And there is so much more than chemistry to consider. I daresay that practicality should play a role as well, among other things.

As you can see, I didn't really answer what true love is. I'm still single, so what did you expect? Maybe there's something to be said for just knowing, but not in the sense that we're going to know right away whether we want to marry someone. I feel like we cheat ourselves when we set specific requirements based on our favorite chick flicks. The man most women marry is not likely to say "As you wish," whenever she orders him around (In fact, I hope he stands up for himself once in a while!), while the woman most men marry will not say yes to their proposal regardless of how unromantic the venue is (One of the many reasons I liked Walk the Line is because she lectures him about proposing at midnight on a tour bus.).

Like the other article says, this doesn't mean we should shun the movies that portray love in these ways. But rather, we should take note of the fact that much like fantasy and science fiction, they're not real. The sooner we recognize this, the fewer ulcers we'll experience during the courtship process, not to mention the fewer frogs we'll see get hitched based on the premise that one single kiss will turn them into a prince.

My Apologies for My Un-Christlike, Reactive Behavior

To the exmormon discussion forum that I spent part of last night trolling in defense of a friend of mine:

I apologize. I should not have reacted the way I did. My protective instinct towards my friends and loved ones is no excuse for the un-Christlike manner in which I behaved. I lost my head. Mind you, that doesn't take away from the basic perspective that I shared in that forum. I believe your comments about my friend's post are destructive and counterproductive to your attempts to heal from what you view as a destructive religion. But I sincerely hope that whatever methods you use, you will one day attain the peace and happiness everyone is searching for.

That is all. I excuse nothing else--least of all my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

How to Not Be Offended, Part II: Kate Middleton and Insulting Skinny Women

Apparently I'm not done talking about this issue--probably because people aren't done looking for ways to be offended. I'll keep this post much shorter.

Did you know that when someone compliments another person for doing something that you don't need to do, that doesn't mean they're insulting you? Really, it doesn't. Let's talk about Kate Middleton and her post-pregnancy belly. On second thought, I'll just let you read this post from the Huffington Post. Essentially, Kate Middleton still looks pregnant because, well, she just barely had a baby. But this post refutes any criticism of her appearance by praising her for focusing on her baby and not worrying so much about her looks. While most of the comments I read on this article praised Kate Middleton for this, one commenter accused the author of slighting those women who don't have to worry so much about the weight issue after pregnancy and are able to spend time on their appearance.

Really? She's marginalizing all of the skinny women by merely praising someone for not obsessing over being skinny? By that logic, the following statements are all slights to someone:

1. Money Can't Buy Happiness. - This insults people who have a lot of money.

2. The Celtics are a great team. They've won 17 NBA titles! - Are you saying the other 29 teams are not great because they haven't won 17 NBA titles?

3. Motherhood is very fulfilling. - I guess all childless people must feel empty.

4. I love Denmark! It's the happiest place on Earth! - So the U.S. is just a miserable place to live?

5. You look really nice today. - So you're saying I don't look nice any other day?

While I'm thinking about it, read this post from my friend if you haven't already. She talks about why she as a millennial is in fact staying with her faith instead of leaving it. The post has gone viral, but some people took it as a slight when she said that one aspect she likes about our faith is that it has unpaid clergy. For the record, such an element is merely one indicator of a clergy member's sincerity in his/her service. That doesn't mean other indicators of sincerity can't exist as well.

I also added that link because it's a brilliant post. Obviously it's on a different topic, but since I already posted the link to support my point, you might as well read it.

Anyway, I feel strongly about this, particularly because when you find offense in someone else's moment in the sun, you're making it all about you.

How to Not Be Offended: When Political Correctness Defeats Efficiency

Over the past few days, I had a Twitter exchange with a lady who is an atheist. The essence of our exchange was regarding a tweet I had sent last Sunday. I basically called out a group of people in an online forum for mocking someone's blog post. I didn't even rebuke them for being disrespectful. I simply told them that while they had wasted their time attacking someone, I was out living life at a Train concert--which, I might add, was dominated by members of the female variety. Now you tell me which you would rather be doing.

But that argument is for another day. As for now, this lady questioned whether these people were actually mocking the blogger. You see, it was a group of ex-members of my faith mocking a member of my faith for expressing his thoughts on anti-mormon propaganda. Based on some of her previous tweets, this lady has had some interesting exchanges with Christians. Christians can be mean sometimes, even when trying to prove the Christlike way to live. Indeed, it is understandable why some people turn away from Christianity--or believing in God at all--as there are some poor examples out there. On the other hand, some atheists and non-Christians are also mean.

This lady wasn't rude. She was very civil and respectful. But it felt as though she was trying to get me to admit some sort of bias against non-believers. At one point she asked why I had bothered identifying the group as ex-Mormons, to which I responded that it was the name of the group, it was a religious context, and I wanted to establish to whom I was speaking in the Twitterverse. Did she think I was targeting them? The exchange eventually culminated in her asking me to cite some of the quotes I had given her from the group mocking the blogger. I haven't responded yet, and probably will not, as I know what I read. I know the difference between simply critiquing someone and outright mocking them. I also have the credibility to back up my denial of any bias against people who don't believe as I do. I've called out fellow Mormons for mocking others.

I understand as well as anyone that in a world as crazy and unequal as ours, we need to be sensitive to the implications of bias and misrepresentation in our speech--especially bias and misrepresentation of groups who have been marginalized throughout history. But sometimes it is worth identifying someone by their demographic because it provides context for his/her perspective.

When referring to the fact that my cousin has all but denounced the faith she grew up in, it is worth adding that her son is gay, particularly when she says, "My son is gay and therefore has no place in your religion." And when I was a graduate instructor and asked a Dominican student whether he knew a previous student of mine who was also Dominican, it wasn't because I thought all Dominicans knew each other. I asked that because I knew they were both part of a group of Dominican freshmen who had transferred there together through some sort of program; as it turned out, they did know each other.

Here's what we need to do: Stop being so sensitive to the possible hidden meaning behind the words of others. Yes, when someone blatantly over-generalizes and clearly misrepresents a person or group, we should respectfully correct them. But don't go into the conversation expecting that to happen. Otherwise we start to sound like Phil Lewis when talking to Billy Crystal in the movie City Slickers:

"Really? You're both dentists?"

"Yes, we're black and we're dentists. Let's not make an issue out of it."

Just give people the benefit of the doubt. I promise you'll be much happier if you do. As has been said before, we need to stop seeking out the storms and just enjoy the sunlight.