Real Love vs. Emotional Pornography: When Butterflies, Stuttering, and Just Knowing Don't Happen

I just read the article The Dangers of Emotional Pornography, which discusses how the media sets unrealistic emotional expectations for our romantic relationships. While countless articles have been written for decades on this subject, reminding us that true love is seldom how it is portrayed in our favorite Disney flicks, this article extends the discussion to include the negative implications of these expectations. Using movie examples such as The Notebook and Jerry Maguire, the article likens some of our favorite love stories on the silver screen to emotional pornography.

At first this may sound like a harsh assessment, but when you think about it, what is pornography? While an exact, consistent definition has never been agreed upon, a historical sentiment has been that pornography sets unrealistic expectations in the eyes of the viewer towards those people represented in the images. Simply put, a man who looks at pornographic images of women risks developing the expectation that all women look like those images. Emotional pornography is not much different, as it teaches us to expect certain feelings to arise as indicators of chemistry and attraction. And, like visual pornography, those who fall victim to emotional pornography tend to experience anger and frustration when those expectations aren't fulfilled.

I think back to one of my first girlfriends, who at the time had been severely victimized by this epidemic. In her mind, if while kissing someone you had your eyes open and/or were thinking of other things, that was a bad sign. She felt like talking on the phone all night every night was the norm, and that two people in love should never tire of each other. I have heard it said that when you meet the right person you just know, and that the love of your life should put butterflies in your stomach every time he/she walks by.

Now I'm not saying that those things aren't possible. I have known couples who seemed to know right away that they wanted to be together. I had a college buddy who never went on dates before meeting his wife. I couldn't even picture him with a woman. And yet right from the start, he made it clear that he felt like he would die if he never asked her out. The feelings were so mutual that dating was practically a mere formality for them. Obviously this happens for some people.

But what about when those types of feelings don't happen right away? What about those of us who are awkward the first time you meet us and have a more difficult time getting to know people? As much as we like to believe that love defies all reason and logic, I am not convinced that a woman is going to know she wants to spend forever with me before coming to terms with some of my less delightful eccentricities. I won't get into them, but I will tell you that some of them are such that I would be turned off if the woman I was dating didn't at least point them out sometime in the relationship. Whether she points them out respectfully and whether she can live with them is a different story. I hope she can. But at the very least, I expect to hear the question, "Why don't you walk in a straight line?" at least once. And let's be honest. That scar on my leg where my tumor used to be is bound to be a romance killer for anyone who's not expecting it.

The fact is that the true love portrayed in the media is unhealthy if taken in its most literal sense. We forget that many of these love stories often sandwich weeks and weeks of courtship into two hours of entertainment, glossing over the hardships experienced in these relationships and musically montaging the high points as if those are the essence of the relationship. I have admittedly fallen for that myself, and it's frustrating! While I'm sure many young members of this increasingly progressive society would deny it, I would venture to pinpoint this as a major reason people have been getting married later. It isn't just about finding fulfillment in your life before tying yourself to someone else for the rest of your life. In all actuality, I feel like most of us want to find that special someone sooner than later, but somehow it is ingrained in us that unless we're walking on air the first time we meet someone--or at the very latest, after the first date--it's probably not meant to be.

So what is real love? When I observe some of my married friends on Facebook and in real life, I notice that most of them are still falling in love with each other. They treat falling in love as a process that hasn't been completed yet, let alone completed before they decided to be together. They took a chance on each other, and because they were both committed, they are reaping the benefits. Very few of them experienced the silver screen version of true love. To debunk some of the assumptions I mentioned above, here are some examples:

1. The First Kiss - A friend and former college roommate of mine once told me that his first kiss with his wife was awkward and disgusting. This was partially because it was his first kiss, and he didn't realize that kissing is more of a feeling than an action. Long story short, he probably had his eyes open and was thinking about other stuff besides romance while kissing her, as was she. And yet, eight years and four boys later, theirs is one of the happiest, most well-rounded families I have ever known.

2. Spending Every Waking Moment Together - Just a couple of years ago, I had another roommate who was dating the woman he would soon marry. One night, as I was returning from a friend's house at around 11:00, my roommate and his girlfriend were coming out of his bedroom. She looked pretty tired and frazzled, like she hadn't slept in days. Apparently my roommate agreed, because he specifically instructed the rest of us not to start a conversation with her, that she needed to get home to bed. This was a far cry from my former girlfriend's attitude that true love and the desire to spend time together trumped all need for sleep. In reality, we tend to resent people who demand so much of our time and energy. The most successful relationships I've seen have been those where each person respected the other's space.

3. Just Knowing -I liked Jessica Alba in Valentines Day, but when she asks Ashton Kutcher whether he'd rather have the girl think about marrying him or just know, I cringe. I have many friends who spent quite a while deciding whether they wanted to marry their significant other. My brother-in-law's younger brother had to wait for an answer, while a church leader of mine had to wait while his wife eliminated other romantic possibilities. Marriage is a big step not to be trifled with! And there is so much more than chemistry to consider. I daresay that practicality should play a role as well, among other things.

As you can see, I didn't really answer what true love is. I'm still single, so what did you expect? Maybe there's something to be said for just knowing, but not in the sense that we're going to know right away whether we want to marry someone. I feel like we cheat ourselves when we set specific requirements based on our favorite chick flicks. The man most women marry is not likely to say "As you wish," whenever she orders him around (In fact, I hope he stands up for himself once in a while!), while the woman most men marry will not say yes to their proposal regardless of how unromantic the venue is (One of the many reasons I liked Walk the Line is because she lectures him about proposing at midnight on a tour bus.).

Like the other article says, this doesn't mean we should shun the movies that portray love in these ways. But rather, we should take note of the fact that much like fantasy and science fiction, they're not real. The sooner we recognize this, the fewer ulcers we'll experience during the courtship process, not to mention the fewer frogs we'll see get hitched based on the premise that one single kiss will turn them into a prince.